This has been a Spring of contrasts. A time of doing deeper work with clients, growing into new ways of holding space for them, feeling the joy that comes with this joint exploration. It has also been a time of stagnation and playing the coach potato, feeling unease, fear and self-judgement.
I am familiar with both states of being, usually each in their own season, but this Spring they have walked with me side by side to a greater degree than before. Outside there has is a weekly snow storm for several days followed by a warm sunny weekend, the snow melted, and the dandelions coming out in the lawn.
With each new snow I settle back into the nested containment of the winter, relaxing into hibernation. With each warming there is a stirring of the expansive, active energy of summer. Somehow each day, even while a part of me is hibernating, the tasks of work and home are getting done anyway. Amid the unease there is joy and fun and productivity. Even when the snows come the dandelions are still there underneath, waiting for the sun to uncover them again.
Perhaps on the road to sacred union, to the expanded awareness of both Soul and Ego, in which they are jointly present and working together, rather than ranked in battle each against the other, this strange place of feeling them both together is one of the stages. While I am tempted to give up because the shadow ego is still present, I keep recognizing that my soul is also present, always.
The Ego’s resistance and fear is not to be overcome with force, or will, or judgement, but with discernment and compassion. There is a subtle balance, aware of your soul but present with your ego. Neither attacking nor running away. Not limp or frozen, but alive and joyful in your Being.
I am mindful of the great masters of horse taming, the whisperers, who know that the only way to come into harmonious relationship with a wild horse is through a gentle firmness and presence that in the end yields the control that you want, but from a place of agreement, respect and surrender each to the other.
You cannot fight a horse’s strength, but you can feel into its moves and flowing with every buck, each jolt, or twist and turn. Surrendering to the efforts of the horse to unseat you, you keep your seat and eventually come into a place where it calms itself and yields control. With the ego and the soul, we are both the horse and the rider, coming into communion.
Allowing our attention to dwell on the Soul that is always present, even when the ego is struggling. Noticing the fear, the catch of the breath, and giving yourself a fresh breath, feel into the level of Self that is witnessing the tension. Breath and release. Notice you can hold them in awareness together, release the either/or belief, consciously notice both; eventually the tension releases, the fear melts in the radiance of the soul’s love. Even under the snow, the bright dandelions are still present, calling out the sun again to melt the snow, leaving them bright and yellow in the green grass of summer.