There’s a feeling I sometimes get that I am still a child pretending to be an adult, that I am supposed to be more competent or confident in some way than I feel at the moment. A young feeling going back to childhood when it was true. It comes with fear or anxiety and a sense of having to pretend to know what I’m doing when I may feel that I don’t.
Consider with what the concept of being adult means to you? some aspects will be conscious; “obvious”, or things you have thought and felt into. Others are likely to be unconscious assumptions. Things that are so “obvious” that you take them for granted; or ones that are buried deep. Let it percolate, explore.
Some aspects may be comfortable, while others still feel incomplete. Think about people or figures that feel adult to you and notice why. I find it fascinating that when I watch old movies I often feel the actors and actresses are “older” than me, even though most of them were considerably younger. As you craft a more detailed definition, notice how it fits with you?
Until I consciously consider what “adult” means for me, part of me will be trying to live up to all the received and unconscious aspects, just as it has been since childhood; trying to be other than what I AM, trying to be what I’m *supposed to be*. Being adult has always been different for each of us, now more than ever. No matter how good my role model the picture I craft is not my Self. My inner child, knowing unconsciously, or consciously, that he is trying to be something he is not, will be scared that others will find out that I am not really the adult he is trying to be.
The more I, or you, invest in being this externally derived adult, the less we invest in being our Self and the more fear we have about letting this image go or being found out. As I consciously release patterns that are not Self, I often feel I have no real idea who I Am. Then my beloved reminds me that actually I do.
Being my Self goes beyond an idea. It is a deep knowing. It is always there, though perhaps I’m afraid to own it, to be it. Perhaps others will not love or validate me, if I let go of what I am “supposed” to be. The knowing comes from my heart or my Spirit, not work in words or thoughts, and so its easier to claim I don’t understand. I have to stop thinking and feel into what resonates and what doesn’t.
Only by exploring and expressing who I really AM, do I become a truly capable human being, a true adult. Only then can I loose the last childish fear of being fake, or incompetent; of being found out.
Notice whenever you use the words “supposed to” about who you are, or what you do. When you ask any authority (including your guides) who you are “supposed to be” you will always get answers, but they are not *your* answer until you check in with your knowing. A better question then is “who am I?” the core question in various spiritual traditions.
Ask that question and wait for an answer. Feel into it and move to a deeper level. Practice listening to your knowing and having courage to follow it. You will live increasingly in joy and inner certainty, knowing that you are being your true Self.