Two weeks ago I developed appendicitis, which led eventually to the emergency room. After a long three days in hospital I came home and have been recovering nicely.
Lying in bed after awakening from the procedure my attention was drawn into my body. There was not a lot of pain, but various discomforts that were often hard to alleviate. Heightened awareness of stresses in my abdomen, on the surface and throughout my intestines. A level of mindfulness enforced by trying to lie comfortably and sleep, in spite of tubes, leg massagers, and around the clock interruptions from hospital staff.
My attention dialed inwards, I practiced being present and aware, breathing. I set Reiki symbols into my hands and lay them over my abdomen, like a mantra, over and over. I talked a bit with my guides, asking their help, both with the healing and with relaxing my mind. The mind is very creative and was trying desperately to do something, figure something out, because this is what it does. From a single thought or two, suddenly it would be giving a speech, crafting a movie, or starting off on an epic dream. It was not actually helpful, but it was unusually easy to notice, appreciate and release.
What was harder, was to let go of my body’s fear. It knew that it had danced with death. It had experienced pain, had been knocked out, invaded by an internal wound and then several external interventions. It was presently trying to fight infections, heal several incisions, reestablish a disrupted digestive system and somehow rest. I found I could be present with all this, but not really surrender into it. Some deep level of me wanted to live, wanted to heal, to be through the journey and out of the hospital.
I had amazing support, from my beloved, from the great hospital staff, from my guides and angels. Awareness is the first step in any process of healing or change. I had that. But the ability to have faith down into my cells, to relax into my support, in the face of physical challenge and threat was not there. I was mindful getting in and out of bed, walking slowly through the hallways. Back at rest however I could feel the deep hum of fear in my body.
I am grateful to this deep physical level of my being. It navigated me through an extreme situation. I am grateful that I live in a time and place where there are people who helped me navigate it safely. I am grateful to my spiritual resources and guides, who were with me even when I was distracted. I am even grateful to be aware of the fear, so that I can walk with it and perhaps one day release it as well.
Returning home some of my fear relaxed. I have found it easier to surrender into the process as I am more certain of a positive outcome. And the deep fear is still moving through and out of my body. I practice sitting with it as it comes up, coming back to breath and center, and letting it boil off. It is a deep level of learning to be OK, here and now, in spite of whatever is going on, letting go of the voices that say “I’ll be OK when..”, to stay present with my body, but let go of its fear. I also continue to practice a deeper body mindfulness throughout the day.
As human beings we are body, mind and spirit. Learning to be all these at the same time, to integrate and weave them together, so that we can marry Heaven and Earth, live from our Soul while in the body, is an amazing challenge. We can listen to our body’s wisdom, our heart’s loving, and our Spirit’s knowing as a balanced chorus, coming closer to being both present and surrendering.