On Losing and Finding Our Center

by Alan McAllister, CCHt PhD-phys

At the end of a wonderful evening of space keeping for a ceremony of transformation and celebration, my appointed tasks were finished. I was wandering around, not feeling particularly purposeful or having people to be with (though there were friends there). I felt myself a bit adrift and on the side. Looking for a place to be I didn’t really see one, and after a while, hanging out at the food in the center, I suddenly felt buffeted by the intense, excited, energy of a group of women swirling by me. I felt overwhelmed, the breath knocked out of me, pushed this way and that in the swirl of their wake.

So I went and sat down, over on the edge of the room, by myself, and closed my eyes. I pulled my energies in, ceased searching for a place in the room outside and allowed myself to be alone with the inside, with myself. Asking what is here, feeling into my own presence, and found myself a bit. I was so connected to spirit after holding space outside that I think it was easier to do than often might have been. I could choose to let go of the voices that usually would feel bad about not having a place, or being left out, and the rest followed. When I opened my eyes to the room, feeling calm and present, purpose and meaning came to me. Some conversations, and later the honor of working energetically with a friend and being gifted with another perspective on a similar process. I was now at home in myself, acting from my essence.

One of the aspects of the mind that we call the ego is that it gives us self-definition. Who are we? In particular what is our place in the web of life, the matrix of places, people, and roles that makes up society and the world we live in. This definition gives us a mission, a sense of purpose, which is usually an important part sense of self. “This is who I am”, “I play these roles and do these tasks”.

At times we find ourselves in situations where that goes away, the role is finished or on pause, or has never been clearly defined, we are not so connected to the people around us, and we “don’t know what to do”. The ego will feel uncomfortable and perhaps scared. There is a sense of being lost, in separation, alone.

In response to this, we go into a search for someone, or something, to give us a sense of our place, or purpose. We are looking to plug back into the matrix, to redefine our sense of self, as our programing says that with out this we are not safe. When it is not immediately clear how to do this, where to find what we are looking for, we may search for a relief instead, something to distract us, “feed” us, make us OK. But that is another topic.

This search mode is outwards, and our energy disperses, spreads wide. This opens us up; is it here?, is it there?, where will we find the picture, the person, the mission, to orient to, to express ourselves and give us purpose? We can become more truly lost, energy chasing people, jobs, roles.

In a place, or situation with a lot of energy we are open, too open to the flows and they pull at us like tides, or buffet us like a swirling wind. We go under, drown, loss our sense of self in a deeper way than before. This can be true in a room at a party, in the midst of a crowd of ceremonialists, or in our life. We are ripped apart by the energies swirling in the world around us, and spread out across the matrix, like the fog blown apart by the incoming sea breeze, or the smoke spreading out from a dying fire. Dazed and confused we have lost ourselves and sense of Self.

Going to another level. As spirits we are always connected to the flow of energy, to God/Goddess, to Source. If we are aware on this level we can always find our Self. Going inwards we coalesce, feel our grounding in the earth, to the heavens, the directions, our spiritual energetic matrix. Taking time to still ourselves and find our center (ground and breath) we regroup our energies, the fire rekindles and we tune into our own essence of who we are.

Pulling our energy in requires letting go on the ego level. We need to be OK with that feeling of being “lost”, out of place, or however that shows up for us. Letting go of our need to have a place, of our attachments to the web, we can sit quietly and find our Self. Find the awareness of being whole, in the flow from Source, of being blessed with abundance.

This may take some practice.

Then something interesting happens. The matrix begins to come to you. Opportunities will show up for you to choose what expresses who you are. A friend comes by, or a stranger says hello. A task presents itself for us to work with. We are centered in ourselves, at ease with being still, gathering our strength for whatever we choose to use it for. The flows and eddies of life, swirling around us all the time, bring people, missions, purposes to us. Being in Self, you are in power and this is noticed as well. Being still you are attractive, and life flows to you. Knowing your Self, you can know what to choose, how to re-engage, and laugh being glad and joyful.

It has been said that we have to be able to be alone, before we can be in relationship. I’ve heard this before, but I’m getting it more deeply now. To be OK alone we have to BE on a different level. Unplugged from the matrix, from others, but tuned into ourselves on the level where we are always connected, always at One.

Its like floating in the void, that great darkness that is not empty, but fully pregnant with possibility, with unformed energy. It holds us and permeates us and we can settle into it more fully than floating on water. We are alone on the ego level, but alive and connected on the soul level. From this place we can then re-enter the matrix, come into relationship with all things in a new way, free of fear, full of love, knowing that no matter how the flow of life evolves we are who we are, we are at one. In fact we are always connected to the other, even when we are not.

(© 12/2007)

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